She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
