If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
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The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
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Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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