dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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