Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
