I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I need moral support for this bender
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
