So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
