She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
