My friends, they love my intelligence
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?