I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
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She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
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There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.