Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...