I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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