If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
