Tell her she can't have a vagina
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
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Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize