totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
That accounts for only three of the penises
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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