I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
