You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
