There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
