Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize