he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life