just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.