I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house