dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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