hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
