yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
