trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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