So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
