i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
