you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
