she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
