I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It was confusing and full of hummus
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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