Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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