For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
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What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
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I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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