the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
