I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think my moral compass just broke
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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