Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
