billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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