oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
