I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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