I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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