Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
