How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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