Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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