I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
