the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
