and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
