Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I think my vagina is haunted
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
