I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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