Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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