I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish my penis had an off switch
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
