I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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