The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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