i need an iv and a liver transplant
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
