So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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