He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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