Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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