I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
