Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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