I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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